Courtney Simpson
There are a million things I wish I could say to my grandpa. I miss you, I’m sorry I didn’t visit more often, one last “I love you”, anything, everything. There are a million memories I had hoped to share with him, maybe none I had dreamed of more than whatever day I might be married. My mom gleefully recounted his joyous tears at her wedding, I had hoped to bring him that same joy again. Unfortunately, that can never come to pass now, but I have nearly thirty years of love and laughter to look back on to ease the ache of what might’ve been.
I remember chasing geckos in the garden with Sasha, splashing in the spa eating tangerines in the sun without a care in the world. I remember how close and how hard he’d hug me. I remember giggling feeling his beard scratch against my face as he’d kiss my cheek before we had to leave. Christmas packages that had way too much tape on them. Eating homemade grape nut ice-cream and breaking our brains over puzzles in the Pennsylvania summer. Trips to museums and Disneyland, photo albums and tales of his younger years. My own college graduation where he sobbed into my gown how proud he was of me. Snickering over terrible jokes and teasing everybody around the kitchen island. I miss all of these moments so much it makes me physically ill. I could never pick just one memory to encapsulate how I feel about him.
Anyone who knew him would know he had a magic to him you just couldn’t explain. Such an easy smile, infectious laughter, a personality that would sweep you in and light up a room. He was a friend whether you knew him for five minutes or five years. Kind, compassionate, generous, dependable, supportive, so unbelievably loving. The best grandpa a girl could ever ask for. He held a piece of my heart, like all of my family does, and it went with him when he passed, but I don’t mourn that. That part of me belonged to him. I would want him to have it wherever he might go in this or any world. I’ll carry part of him forever too, and even though right now it feels so heavy, I wouldn’t give it up for the world.
I love you, grandpa, I’ll never stop loving you, never stop missing you. I’m infinitely glad to have had you in my life and I am so glad we had one last Christmas together.
