Heather Garcia
If you would have given me just one more minute, just one more day,
I would have willingly gone with you love, or convinced you to stay.
.This is going to be difficult...;;.......
Jeff and I met 32 years ago at the MediCal Hospital Unit where he had just been transferred. A couple of our co workers held a phony raffle and the prize was an evening with Mr. Baker and since my name was the only name in the 'hat'', I won. We had been set up and have been in love with each other ever since. So many memories; most of them great; some not so good but the love was always there..
Jeff loved me more than I've ever been loved by anyone and we promised we'd each take care of the other until our dying day. I never thought it would be so soon.
Jeff was the only Grandpa to my only grandchild, Nick, and together we spoiled the hell out of him. Jeff could always find the coolest toys (you know, ones more for himself than Nick). For instance, at my house, there was a motorized tram that ran along the top of the walls from the dining room into the living room and back, a circling airplane hanging in the living room like a chandelier, a HUGE roller coaster, also in the living room, that somehow became my project, that sounded just like a real one - screaming people and all, a 3 foot tall ferris wheel, also with sound affects, But, the best was the 5-man tent, also set up in the living room at one time, with glow-in-the-dark stars glued to its 'roof' that we slept in until our backs no longer liked camping. It filled the entire room and the only way we could get to the dining room or kitchen was by going out the front door and coming back in through the back door.
When Jeff lived in a house on Mt, View, his TV and my daughter's Atari - yes, I said Atari, so it was many, many years ago. Anyway, they were stolen and when he received the insurance check, he ran right out and bought this HUGE TV and called me to come over for it's "unveiling." We sat on his couch, Jeff turned it on and it was like sitting at the drive-in with your nose pressed against the screen....couldn't see a thing......, so we pulled out two lawn chairs and sat them on his front porch where we could just look through his bay window but the TV was still a blur. We moved our chairs to the lawn and kept scooting back until we were sitting on the sidewalk where Jeff turns to me with a "thumbs-up" and says "Perfect." It was hilarious. Jeff had a great sense of humor...sarcastically witty and, at times, quite cleaver.
Jeff was a very kind, loving, compassionate man who kept his problems to himself. Sadly, he was able to convince me his demons were under control and I, caught up in the happiness of our reconciliation, failed to recognize the familiar signs from the past....and then, it was too late.
My heart goes out to Jeff's family as I know they are devastated and heart broken. Their lives will never be the same and neither will mine. I have never felt such pain....pain I'm not sure I can handle. I feel lost and not sure I want to be here anymore. I miss Jeff so much my heart actually aches and the thought of never seeing him again infuriates me; at the same time I feel privileged to have known him; honored to have been his friend; and blessed to have been loved by him.
Time passes, guilt weighs heavy,
heavier than the day before,
Many questions went unanswered
or never asked, chance of no more.
Did I, alone, know of your dark side,
were your demons still in control,
Had you planned this, patiently waiting
seeking revenge your only goal.
You no longer need to worry,
I am broken, consumed by pain.
Two lives taken by an illness,
only memories will remain.
You won, my love. You paid me back. I'll love you forever Jeff.
DIANE
